One Note

It beats in sync with mine,

It touches me like no one can,

It comforts me when I am alone,

It soothes my broken heart,

When I want to just throw in the towel,

When I second guess the important things,

When I get lost in the chaos,

When I feel like I am crazy,

It stays steady with my breathing,

It rocks me to sleep,

It gives me strength to keep going,

It stands up for me when no one else does,

When I am happy it's happy,

When I am broken it feels,

When I am sleeping it's silent,

When I am done it's had enough,

It blankets my body when I am cold,

It lightens the darkness for me,

It stands independent,

It's diverse,

When I am desparate for attention,

When I am hungry for love,

When I am through with life's anguishes,

When I just need... it's there.. always..

Music

Frusteration

Seems like life hands you the cards at the worst time. I have a broken foot- which really is not that big of a deal. But, for me at the moment it is. I am such an independent woman and yet I have to rely on so many people right now. I hate it.

I feel so out of myself. It hurts almost. I have these strong feelings for someone; but for some reason I feel like my buttons get pushed in so many different ways.. and I don't think that he realizes it. I don't know if you consider me an idiot or just an understandable girl.

Hm.. In the past I would have to say I was a "Dumb Ass". So, I wonder if that is the approach I am taking now. I don't know. I am confused in that aspect of it all.

Maybe I should just seek the advice from my male friends. I am sure they have insight on what I am struggling with.

I feel like I am being dis respected by this one particular person and she isn't even a part of my life. I have to put up with her because of the current love that I have for someone. I am frusterated that he continues to let her play her stupid little games that she plays with him. How come every time I decide to care for someone there is some kind of bullshit that comes along with it. I don't understand.

I am a big girl and I am clear cut and straight to the point. I am honest and forth going.. verses all these other girls are not.....maybe I will just back off.

It actually hurts more than I thought it would.. it's annoying that everytime I am here that there are multiple calls - yelling- texts- and then every other word is her.. I just think this maybe a little more than just a friendship.. I need to really re think this .

A Job for Now

As the days go by I wonder where my life is going. Is it gonna be a long road before I find that one special person that I can spend my days with ? Or is it going to take me another lifetime to find true contentment. Everyone can smile; but no one knows what is behind that smile.

Who I really am.

I recently started "Beer Tubbing (dancing)" at a local bar on the weekends until I can find a legit job. Everyone that works there thinks that the girls that do that job are "Bar Skanks"...I really hate that. They know nothing about me and what I am about. I am an intelligent woman, humble person, and great mother. I just have no other options at this momment. It's actually not as bad as it seems doing it. I love to dance so that is a plus. It's just tiring considering my condition.

It is definitely not my intention to make this a career; but for now I thank this local bar and the employees for welcoming me. For this is my only means of living at the momment.

A Love Lost

As time slips through my fingers.,

The time that was spent between us,

As the weather turns cold into fall,

It was not so long ago we were one,

I think you..



In this lonely walk along the leaves,

I think of you and our mistakes,

After the rain settles, seems so calm,

Thinking of the massive thunderstorms we caused,

I think of you..



As I lye in bed I think of you,

Your touch and slumber,

The way we intertwined with one another,

Memories are fading, I am stronger,

I think of you..



I love you enough to let you go,

Into the breeze that casts away into the clouds,

Where the sun peeks during the day and the moon shines at night,

I now know that memories are the shadows of a lifetime,



Goodbye my love..

I will always think of you,

As I look into the sky on a sunny day,

I will smile..

A New Beginning..

Wow.. it has been a long time since I have blogged. I should really keep up with this. Where do I start...

So much has happened lately I can't even find the words to write about it. Looking back at the beginning of my life a year ago; it's scary to see where I have landed. Can I save myself from the torture that I have created for myself? Have I been a bad mother, friend, and person?

All this time I have been blind to the truth that has shined infront of me as I walk outside on a summer day. Everything I know is a blur like the wind on a rainy day. Suddenly I feel this strong sway across my body like a thick cloud sheltering me from the bad storm ahead. My fears run through my eyes like the light that thrashes with the sound of thunder as I scream my life away.

I know there is more to me than this agony that I feel deep inside. The smiles that only last momment seem to torment me in my sleep. Sigh..

On the flip side.. the new people that enter your life makes every thing better.. and you can only hope that they will bring happiness and worth into your life.

When Life Goes Unexplained....

What do I do? Do I dwell on the past and forget the present/future? Do I remember all the good things and settle? What is a stranger? Could it be someone you have shared your most intimate moments with?

I find myself in a daze through my work day. Thinking of you.. Reasons I don't know.. The days alone are agonizing because you trouble away in my thoughts. I know I am nothing to you and I am everything to someone else. So, why do I worry so much?



You say you love me and I have no doubt that you do.. But, actions are loud. The better days are coming; they are moments away.. they are already here.. sitting.. Will they last is the question. The winter is warming; the summer has yet to come.

I feel a cold chill. That warm embrace for those few hours. The smile that melts me.

Last night you were so kind and sweet. A different side of you. How did I not make this mine? How did I let someone else have that? Oh wait.. I do have it. My sanity loses place sometimes. But, I am here.

I am with you.. I am happy.