Why is it that when you think everything is going great; it really isn't? How come I can't be enough for someone? How come I always come last, not third, not second, not second to the last, LAST? It don't get it? I don't get how I can be the object of someones attention at first and then after a while I am at the bottom of the list. I guess I just misread emotions and actions too much. To think that I should be so lucky.. RIGHT! LOL... BRYCE your a DUMBASS!
I wonder what I do wrong? I guess I am not good enough. It's so heart breaking.. but that is okay.. because I am strong. This crap just makes me stronger.
Not to be conceited.. but I am special and I deserve happiness too.
Hm.. Oh well.. Life SUCKS!
- B
This is why I should stay guarded and sheltered.. because I always get hurt and neglected. I am always letting people walk all over me.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The pondering of B
It's late... But, I can't sleep.. Alot on my mind.
It's funny how you make gambles in life.. and truly don't know what the outcome is gonna be. It's hard to find yourself these days. You think you know what your purpose is. I thought mine was to be an obedient wife and a wonderful mother. I am a good mother.. but I lack in areas. I know no one is perfect, but I want to be. I mean I want my kids to understand that even the most perfect person (if there is such a thing) still makes mistakes. But, I failed as a wife horribly; what did that teach my kids? I am leery of ever letting my heart love again- I don't want to ever hurt like I did. I guess I will just put all my love into my kids lives. I know they will love me no matter what I do. I am their mother. Just as I will love them forever no matter what they do in their lives. I may not agree or like what they have or will do .. but no matter what I will always be there. I guess that is why marriage was so comfortable even when it was over. We still lived together and even though we both were unhappy we had each other no matter what. Now, I am all alone except for my children. If I am sick I must go on, if I am sad I must go on.. It's all about being strong and being tough when you really don't want to be.
On a lighter note the girls had fun painting their pumpkins tonight. I will post pics soon.
B
Love is funny it grabs you when you least expect it to. So there is always hope..
It's funny how you make gambles in life.. and truly don't know what the outcome is gonna be. It's hard to find yourself these days. You think you know what your purpose is. I thought mine was to be an obedient wife and a wonderful mother. I am a good mother.. but I lack in areas. I know no one is perfect, but I want to be. I mean I want my kids to understand that even the most perfect person (if there is such a thing) still makes mistakes. But, I failed as a wife horribly; what did that teach my kids? I am leery of ever letting my heart love again- I don't want to ever hurt like I did. I guess I will just put all my love into my kids lives. I know they will love me no matter what I do. I am their mother. Just as I will love them forever no matter what they do in their lives. I may not agree or like what they have or will do .. but no matter what I will always be there. I guess that is why marriage was so comfortable even when it was over. We still lived together and even though we both were unhappy we had each other no matter what. Now, I am all alone except for my children. If I am sick I must go on, if I am sad I must go on.. It's all about being strong and being tough when you really don't want to be.
On a lighter note the girls had fun painting their pumpkins tonight. I will post pics soon.
B
Love is funny it grabs you when you least expect it to. So there is always hope..
October - I am 26!
So alot has changed since I have last written..
Where do I start! First of all the job that I was so nervous about ended up being great! I am still here. So that is good. I also left my husband. Now, we are legally separated. We are friends for the most part; but there are days that we cannot stand each other. That is to be expected though. I think I have been pretty good about being fair and keeping my cool.
We have made good arrangements with the girls. So, in the part of this whole split up it's good.
I mean this has been a year in the making.
I have moved into my own apartment. It is rough and will continue to be rough- I am sure.
But, I love it. I mean it's girls and I! No more nagging and constant fighting. I have control over that now and I can be me!
I do miss some aspects of being married.. but who wouldn't. Derek is a wonderful person and I know one day he will meet the right girl and they will be happy.
I have had the most amazing 2 months of my life. My birthday was incredible! Thank you to the person that made that possible.. you will never know how much that meant / means to me. XOXOXOXO
My main questions is :
DO I deserve to be truly happy? Am I worth it? Or am I gonna mess everything up for myself and crash and burn as I always do?
- B
Where do I start! First of all the job that I was so nervous about ended up being great! I am still here. So that is good. I also left my husband. Now, we are legally separated. We are friends for the most part; but there are days that we cannot stand each other. That is to be expected though. I think I have been pretty good about being fair and keeping my cool.
We have made good arrangements with the girls. So, in the part of this whole split up it's good.
I mean this has been a year in the making.
I have moved into my own apartment. It is rough and will continue to be rough- I am sure.
But, I love it. I mean it's girls and I! No more nagging and constant fighting. I have control over that now and I can be me!
I do miss some aspects of being married.. but who wouldn't. Derek is a wonderful person and I know one day he will meet the right girl and they will be happy.
I have had the most amazing 2 months of my life. My birthday was incredible! Thank you to the person that made that possible.. you will never know how much that meant / means to me. XOXOXOXO
My main questions is :
DO I deserve to be truly happy? Am I worth it? Or am I gonna mess everything up for myself and crash and burn as I always do?
- B
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