How Funny

( Picture Halloween 2008- My girls and I )

Funny how life works...
I blog because I have no one to talk to..
I am experiencing this pain.. I can't get awayfrom it. It haunts me like a bad dreamPoor a glass of wine.. it heals the pain..a minute..
How did I become so unimportant..Bryce wake up from this torture, Blossom into what you can and could be,I am not her, I never will be..
Emptiness.. with a broken smile,As I walk away tears roll down my face,A leaf tumbling down the street, Hit by a car, not knowing the peace that may bring,
Love hurts, why do we do this to ourselves?Why do we break down that wall over and over again..So that those people can play with us, So they can feel the comfort of something realHow can they do that... how can they live.. Altered.. a mind state.. that continues to fade
Beauty.. it has nothing to do with beauty..Lust has everything to do with beauty,But Love ? No it has nothing to do with the outsideIt is about the mind, actions, a friend.
I am the small bottle on the top shelfThe one that never gets picked the one that occasionally gets picked by someone that has no intention of making me the rich drink that I could be.
Instead I become that shot.. that shot for the moment.. The convient place to hide from the cold..To feel the chill and warm thier soul.
Shelter.. what is that? Home? No...
I am but a blanket that is used once a year on that night that they actually have nothing better... The dust on the top, that never gets touched,
Happiness.. you make that.. Not themHow? Don't ask me I am still trying,Trying....You say that.. but really there is a pair of beautiful eyes staring atyou while you try... but not for me; Her...
I will never be her.. I will never be that special, I am Bryce.. That small bottle on the shelf..the one that was dropped last night..

More Ponders

Why is it that when you think everything is going great; it really isn't? How come I can't be enough for someone? How come I always come last, not third, not second, not second to the last, LAST? It don't get it? I don't get how I can be the object of someones attention at first and then after a while I am at the bottom of the list. I guess I just misread emotions and actions too much. To think that I should be so lucky.. RIGHT! LOL... BRYCE your a DUMBASS!

I wonder what I do wrong? I guess I am not good enough. It's so heart breaking.. but that is okay.. because I am strong. This crap just makes me stronger.

Not to be conceited.. but I am special and I deserve happiness too.

Hm.. Oh well.. Life SUCKS!

- B

This is why I should stay guarded and sheltered.. because I always get hurt and neglected. I am always letting people walk all over me.

The pondering of B

It's late... But, I can't sleep.. Alot on my mind.

It's funny how you make gambles in life.. and truly don't know what the outcome is gonna be. It's hard to find yourself these days. You think you know what your purpose is. I thought mine was to be an obedient wife and a wonderful mother. I am a good mother.. but I lack in areas. I know no one is perfect, but I want to be. I mean I want my kids to understand that even the most perfect person (if there is such a thing) still makes mistakes. But, I failed as a wife horribly; what did that teach my kids? I am leery of ever letting my heart love again- I don't want to ever hurt like I did. I guess I will just put all my love into my kids lives. I know they will love me no matter what I do. I am their mother. Just as I will love them forever no matter what they do in their lives. I may not agree or like what they have or will do .. but no matter what I will always be there. I guess that is why marriage was so comfortable even when it was over. We still lived together and even though we both were unhappy we had each other no matter what. Now, I am all alone except for my children. If I am sick I must go on, if I am sad I must go on.. It's all about being strong and being tough when you really don't want to be.

On a lighter note the girls had fun painting their pumpkins tonight. I will post pics soon.

B

Love is funny it grabs you when you least expect it to. So there is always hope..

October - I am 26!

So alot has changed since I have last written..


Where do I start! First of all the job that I was so nervous about ended up being great! I am still here. So that is good. I also left my husband. Now, we are legally separated. We are friends for the most part; but there are days that we cannot stand each other. That is to be expected though. I think I have been pretty good about being fair and keeping my cool.

We have made good arrangements with the girls. So, in the part of this whole split up it's good.

I mean this has been a year in the making.

I have moved into my own apartment. It is rough and will continue to be rough- I am sure.
But, I love it. I mean it's girls and I! No more nagging and constant fighting. I have control over that now and I can be me!

I do miss some aspects of being married.. but who wouldn't. Derek is a wonderful person and I know one day he will meet the right girl and they will be happy.

I have had the most amazing 2 months of my life. My birthday was incredible! Thank you to the person that made that possible.. you will never know how much that meant / means to me. XOXOXOXO

My main questions is :

DO I deserve to be truly happy? Am I worth it? Or am I gonna mess everything up for myself and crash and burn as I always do?

- B

Starting My New Job

Well, I start my new job on Monday! I am so nervous, and excited at the same time. I will so miss my kiddos though. It was nice to have the summer with them. Summer has been great! I have a whole new circle of friends; I couldn't imagine being even more blessed then I already am. This is just a short blog.. I am tired.. I will write more another day... For now wish me luck!

PIC- Is from the Fourth of July at my sisters house. We made Beer Chicken!

July Begins

Well, It has been a while since I have posted a blog. I guess I just have been really busy! It seems like the summer is jusy flying by. The kids are good. Ava Jane is almost three and she is just a little busy thing. Jelessa is getting ready to start fall soccer soon and is extremely excited. I am in between jobs at the momment. I think I am going through a half way to 30 crisis! (meaning from 25 to 30) LOL I don't know. I just don't what life's purpose for me is really. I know that I am a mom and that I am good at that. But, what else?? My marriage is just falling apart before my eyes. The more I try to pick it up it slips further and further away from me. I don't know what I am doing wrong. Or where we went wrong. We are complete opposites. So my question is.. When do you TRUELY know it's over? Actually nevermind that question.. it is over.. just how do you be friends and good parents after the fact.

Since I really have no where to vent.. here is where it is gonna happen! :) Everyone's life looks so good from far away. And boy I am good at making my life seem that way on the outside, but there is a hurricane going on in the inside. I love being a mom and I would not change that for the world. I have my friends that I hang out with and party with. I have my momments with my husband that seem to be good. But then the moment I turn around they fall apart. The sad thing is I really don't want the marriage to work. I mean it's like I am bipolar in this aspect of my life. One day I am cool; the next I want to be done with it. Maybe this is just normal - the five year itch?? Hmm..

Questions that I have asked myself over and over the past few weeks. I have no desire to be with anyone really .. Except my children and my "dear" friends. What is the purpose of all the fighting with my husband and I ? It gets us NO where. Oh the agony of "this" part of marriage. Trying to get along and to disagree to agree.. UGH! I do know that I love him and we have a beautiful daughter together... It's just that I am not IN love anymore.. How do you get that back.. I don't think you do. Plus. I think you have to REALLY want to get back to that. I just don't think my heart is there anymore.

Yes.. I know the answer already.. it's just the actually leaving part. I will get the nerve to do it. I am ready now inside.. I just need to get motivated. I will always love him.. because I believe once you love someone you never not love them. You can't just stop that or throw that away. It just changes. It either evolves or fades slightly.

Other than that life is just peachy! Happy Fourth.. Try to keep more posts up.

XOXOXO

Brycie

Family Update

Yes it's another family update!! I haven't written one in a long while so I thought that I would write one and clue everyone in on what is going on here in Missouri. I hope to get back some family updates from everyone that receives this on what they are doing now. Derek and I are are not doing so well. I don't know when we will just finally decide that we need to just move away from each other. I mean we already know it's over. But- We have started the Financial Peace University Clan through Dave Ramsey. (not that is will change anything- actually I know it won't) Best thing I think we have done decision wise for our finances yet! We are taking the 12 week course and are amazed with what we can accomplish with a little bit of discipline. We recently made some huge decisions in our way of life. We cut off our television completely, cut off all of our features on our home phone to just basic, we cut up our 2 credit cards, and are beginning a whole total money makeover! We even have Jelessa and Ava aboard with the FPU Junior. I am in the midst of possible changing jobs in May. So that I can spend more time with the children with better hours. Derek is still working with Bordner. He recently changed from a Siding Foreman to a Windows Sales and Installer Foreman. Jelessa started Daisies Monday and she just started Spring Soccer. Ava Jane is completely potty trained and she is moving into Preschool One. I am so excited for her. She is such a girly girl. Complete opposite of Jelessa. Erin just moved to Colorado. She got the job of a life time with the Colorado section of the PGA!!! So I am very excited and happy for her. She starts tomorrow. She will be the operations manager. Mary Jane is back on Spring break. She recently quit the soccer team; due to some conflicts with her academics. She has decided that if the coach thinks soccer is more important then she must not be on the team. I am proud of her. I think it takes a lot of guts and dedication to your academics to realize it and say okay.. I'm in college for education NOT soccer. So a thumbs up for her. But then again she has always put that before soccer. John my step dad is in the hospital right now. He is pretty sick. I really can't discuss details at the moment, but I will keep everyone posted. My mother is doing great. Still going through the many surgeries to finalize her teeth implants for October.

Much Love,

Bryce

Brett's Retirement

Writing this blog a little late- had to get over my depression about this ....

I am absolutely devastated. How can this happen? He has at LEAST 3 years left. Ah! I cannot believe this~ Football is just not going to be the same for me. I will always be a Packers fan and I will always love the game. But, Brett will be sooo missed. Thus, I will be adding a number four on my ankle this summer. My first Tat and probably my only. Some say I am crazy and I am about Brett!!! LOL No, not the crazy psycho, just the crazy about what he did with a football!!!

Added -

YES! Brett is playing again with the JETS~ I still love the Packers.. but I am a die hard Brett fan..

Sunday and Pilates

Well today is Sunday and tomorrow will be Monday; back to work we will go! Our date day went okay on Friday. I must say I enjoyed myself. We went and saw the movie "Jumper". It was very good; I wish I had those powers! Life would be so much easier for everyone! We then went to Dicks and to Borders. I bought some "wimp" weights and a pilates book. I have really gotten myself in a pickle with this. Pilates are hard! But, hopefully it will tone my "jiggly" parts.. Yes skinny people have jiggly parts too.. LOL

Today it snowed horribly! Didn't even see it coming. It's like Mother Nature is going through Menopause. :) One day it is hot and the next it is cold! Can't wait until Spring.

My First Blog

Well, I thought I would start a blog site to get all of my complaining off my chest before I go home and take it out on the ones I love. Plus, I love to talk and I am pretty much an open book. I first viewed this website because my brother has one and now I am copying him. Yes, Trey I am a copycat!!! You still love me though, right? LOL Today is Valentine's day and it is so overrated. Don't get me wrong I love the attention and I love cards and such. But, it really is overrated.



Well, since I am rather new at this I will leave my first blog short. But many to come.