Shattered Afternoon

When we choose to let friends in our lives , we choose for them to be there because we believe in full truth and intention that it is for the good. But, today I feel as if I have been a misguided train led to a path that not only stops along the way ... it smashes into a huge brick wall without warning. Misplaced thoughts, dreams, and hopes of life. I thought of myself as a huge hug of personality and strength. A friend that was there no matter what. Yet, to find out I was only an hour glass; that once the sand of time hit the breaking point I would stop and the surface around me would shatter. I am hurt that I am being misjudged on a basis that is not fair. A trust that I had openly admited and a fears let free. A couraged shoulder for someone to cry on. A fetal movement upon that person's life. I am not lost. Lost is not the word that I feel today. I feel broken of my beautiful intentions. I have misjudged not only my character but everyone around me.

"You have to give up something to have something."

I hate it when I hear a song that reminds me of past people that were once in my life. It brings this wierd feeling over me. Like a an overwhelming wave to the heart. A rush of sadness and pain slash my eyes as they begin to leak all the memories that were once so vital to my life. Heat overcomes my body and a glimmer of happiness rolls across my lips as I smile knowing that they are happy and that they are just that faded person that once touched my life so deeply.

Left or Right

Enough.. that is what I tell myself. I sit here thinking about which way I will take on this path of life. Will I take left down the road that I know is famaliar and that torchers me with such sorrow. Will I continue to let those words hurt me and let my heart keep hope. Or will I take a right down the forbidden road of happiness that awaits for me. Will I take the cracked bitter sidewalk with all of it's imperfections and close in on the one thing that my heart bleeds for. Or will I take the lonely road of tears and smiles and that hollow feeling that will recieve light in the summer.

A smile with an absent heart,

A tear with a hopeful soul,

I yearn for the bittersweet goodbye...

Confused..

I feel like I am trapped under water and I just cannot come up for air. I struggle everyday to keep a smile on my face and to keep my eyes dry. The thoughts the trickle into my everyday life stear me away from the positive that I want in my life. Where do I go from here. I have such pain that I keep tucked away and I cannot seem to let it out. It lingers there like an old wound that was never stitched right. What do I do about this love that I have that goes no where with you. What do I do when all is lost. I am so confused. I want normal; I am tired so tired. Not just emotionally but, physically. I feel like my world has no sunshine and it is just cold and bitter.I just want to really smile again without feeling that in the next five minutes I may say or do something wrong. I feel like I am walking on a mine field and I never know when you might blow up. My mistakes keep me here. I am doing this to myself.