Shattered Afternoon

When we choose to let friends in our lives , we choose for them to be there because we believe in full truth and intention that it is for the good. But, today I feel as if I have been a misguided train led to a path that not only stops along the way ... it smashes into a huge brick wall without warning. Misplaced thoughts, dreams, and hopes of life. I thought of myself as a huge hug of personality and strength. A friend that was there no matter what. Yet, to find out I was only an hour glass; that once the sand of time hit the breaking point I would stop and the surface around me would shatter. I am hurt that I am being misjudged on a basis that is not fair. A trust that I had openly admited and a fears let free. A couraged shoulder for someone to cry on. A fetal movement upon that person's life. I am not lost. Lost is not the word that I feel today. I feel broken of my beautiful intentions. I have misjudged not only my character but everyone around me.

"You have to give up something to have something."

I hate it when I hear a song that reminds me of past people that were once in my life. It brings this wierd feeling over me. Like a an overwhelming wave to the heart. A rush of sadness and pain slash my eyes as they begin to leak all the memories that were once so vital to my life. Heat overcomes my body and a glimmer of happiness rolls across my lips as I smile knowing that they are happy and that they are just that faded person that once touched my life so deeply.

Left or Right

Enough.. that is what I tell myself. I sit here thinking about which way I will take on this path of life. Will I take left down the road that I know is famaliar and that torchers me with such sorrow. Will I continue to let those words hurt me and let my heart keep hope. Or will I take a right down the forbidden road of happiness that awaits for me. Will I take the cracked bitter sidewalk with all of it's imperfections and close in on the one thing that my heart bleeds for. Or will I take the lonely road of tears and smiles and that hollow feeling that will recieve light in the summer.

A smile with an absent heart,

A tear with a hopeful soul,

I yearn for the bittersweet goodbye...

Confused..

I feel like I am trapped under water and I just cannot come up for air. I struggle everyday to keep a smile on my face and to keep my eyes dry. The thoughts the trickle into my everyday life stear me away from the positive that I want in my life. Where do I go from here. I have such pain that I keep tucked away and I cannot seem to let it out. It lingers there like an old wound that was never stitched right. What do I do about this love that I have that goes no where with you. What do I do when all is lost. I am so confused. I want normal; I am tired so tired. Not just emotionally but, physically. I feel like my world has no sunshine and it is just cold and bitter.I just want to really smile again without feeling that in the next five minutes I may say or do something wrong. I feel like I am walking on a mine field and I never know when you might blow up. My mistakes keep me here. I am doing this to myself.

Jaded

I had the worst night last night. What do you do when your loved ones are threatened with such ignorance. I have been a silent bird and have bent over backwards for things to be cool and settle. But, no I am in rage that someone I used to love so much and shared a life with has disregarded myself and my daughter as human beings. To make it worse my other daughter is half his. How can I make this work for all of us .. I just do not know. I feel threatened by the mere thought of not seeing my youngest daughter everyday. I am strong for if I fell now who would hold my daughters wings for her? I am so confused with decisions that need to be made. Sigh... I feel a hole in heart and I am literally scared of the future out come. I just want to blanket myself away from this world and cry a river of tears.

Blimmer

Another day starts and I have a headache from those many glasses of wine I drank last night. I wonder how long this will be; the way I feel inside that I cannot put into words. The laughter I once knew and held so high is gone. I smile, but if my lips could cry they would. I wish I could tell you all the things I want to tell you. How I hide behind that sinful glass of wine that is in my hand for the moment. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I shutter as I put my hands across my face and I sit here at my desk and think about all the things I would have done different in my life - yet I do not regret anything. How is that possible?

I am so angry with the cards I have been dealt. My hands are tied and I am strapped. I have those moments where I can forget and I am truely happy. But, then it all comes back and I soon remember what my life really is.

How do you tell the ones that you love so much that it's back and this time there is nothing you can do.All I can do is fight, live, love, laugh, and pray.... Smile for me; Because I am smiling behind my glass of wine.

My Broken Way

I have done it again. I have caused pain where I should have just took a breath and then relaxed my eyes and let the tears flow in the shower.
I did not. I spoke to soon and I let words flow through me like the wind on a windy day. I wrapped myself up in doubts and the negative smiles that I see in my head. I am loosing myself every day and I don’t know why. I have no idea where I am going. I keep closing my eyes; seeing the same long dark path filled with shattered glass. The trees bellowing over me. I start to run and there is this light that follows me and I just keep running. The glass passes by and cuts me as I run faster I start to fall. The path no longer exists and I am laying in my own filthy mess. Chaos is overcome me and I scream with such hatred and pain. I want to be loved … I want to feel like I have a purpose…. I want to feel like I belong somewhere.. anywhere. I want normal.

Defective

I sit here at my desk replaying the same song over and over again. I listen to the beat and it takes me to this place inside of me that I feel safe and jaded. I"m lost in this song and the lyrics. What does this mean? I cannot focus on anything lately. I am scarred and worn. I feel used and left alone by life. I remember how important I felt for a brief minute; like those new pair of jeans that are perfect for a night out until they are taken back to the store for a refund. The moment sets in as my eyes fill up with that oh so famalair liquid. I look at the clock and it is three and I have an hour until I get to go home. I will walk through the door with a hunger and need for attention, yet it will not be there. I want to scream with agression and release this feeling of being misunderstand. I remember the way you used to smile at me and how you would talk to me constantly. How I made your day better and now there is only bitterness in your voice. The slight way wyou ignore me; yet will never admit it. The way I have to cut my tongue and be silent for I will only be talked down to. What have I become? You wait your whole life to grow up and fit into this world. What do you do when you do not feel like you belong. I feel like the perfect pair of shoes for a moment and then as soon as that moment is over I get put away in that old shoe box on the shelf that will never be worn again because there are a brand new shiney pair on the floor that were worn last night.

Soft Tears

As I sit here in the mist of everything that has happened the last few weeks..I sigh..I feel as if the world is moving in rapid speed around me as I sit still like a silent flower. I feel the wind touch my face and the colors fade into the background. I drown in a sheet of loneliness and I look upon your face as if it were right there and it is not. I feel misunderstood and let go for reasons that were not true and the words that I have used were tattered and torn. I feel empty in a way that I thought I would never feel. I need to feel the sun on my skin and the radiance of a heartbeat againest my chest. I cannot feel that essence upon me and I just want to scream out of anxiety and restfulness.

I lay here silent and untouched. Then I open my eyes and see a glance in the distance that brings me to my feet. I look down and see the reflection of my smile in the puddle that my tears have made. I am set free.

MMK....

I'm sitting here.. wondering,.. alone.. waiting.. for the hour to turn .. what are you doing that is so important.. I've drank too much...

I am not smiling... I'm feeling low... Missing you... it's not fair...

I'm that fine wine that you cannot afford.. instead you buy that cheap wine..

No words....

Satin Sound

Laying here between the sheets of my life, The silky slide of my fingertips, The way my hips rock back in forth, I breathe as I let go, Sigh in patience, No need for a chiseled chest, Or another heart beat, As my head tips back, I breathe slowly, I begin to corrupt myself, Corrupt myself of my own innocence.

Nothing

There's really nothing left for me to say... It's time for me to move.. move on from all the lies... I am so much better of without you by my side. Our "US" has fallen into this deep black hole.. so far down I cannot see you anymore.

Which leaves me alone.. With that bitter pain that lingers deep down in my throat. There is no longer any games to play and no longer any movement behind me. Only my shadow which blankets me with my pride.

As I walk away slowly...dodging every rock that gets thrown at me... I stand still at the end of the road.. I smile.. knowing that I will be okay.. even though I feel broken... I will loose myself in my own arms, in my own thoughts, in my own tears...

I will climb that mountain and I will not fall down.. I will stand strong and conquer those fears that I have had for the past two years.. You will be missed.. because you were my everything.. my world.. my life.. I love you ... That will not change... But, is there really any hope for the future.. I think not. Or am I wrong?

I have met many new people in my life .. Within the past six months .. definitely.. and I am happier... I am smiling. Sometimes that is what keeps people going.. leaving the past alone and enjoying the present.. For now I will try this... Let's see what happens.

I will continue walking down this road called life.. missing those arms that held me.. can't imagine life without you ... Did it make you feel good to see me break?.. Do you believe that you made me happy? Do I believe that I made you happy? Are you lonely like me? Or am I lonely like you ? (Quoted: Medina)

You said I upset you... you call me BLAME... I take that nickname along with many other ones that I have excepted... You can't tear me down anymore.. because I am free of those chains and words that bonded me to the floor.. I am breaking free.. I can breathe....

Spring Fades and Summer Gleams

As the spring fades and the summer begins...I sit here wondering what the future holds for me.. I look down at my hands and watch the water of secrets, life, and essence fall through my finger tips... Relief is at my side and I ponder the upcoming days ahead of me. A slow sigh lingers in the deep of my heart.. and a gradual smile takes over me. The sun beams along the strands of my hair and my heart beats the music of the happiness that I feel. I close my eyes and think of you and how you make me smile with that one look that I catch slightly every time you think I am not looking. Each day I grow fonder of that warmth that grows inside of me, like the leaves on that old oak tree beam of green in the summer glow. I am happy.. and I can smile and it is because of you .. no tears shall fall today...

A New Beginning

With each blink,
With each tear,
With each breath,
With each sigh...

You, you lye on my tongue,
The words are there,
Yet I cannot speak,

You lay there,
Like a distant memory,
Your heart not mine anymore,
Your life abroad in someone else hands,

I stand here naked and alone,
Hurt and happiness didn't work,
I can't breathe... I can't speak,
I hesitate....

With each blink,
With each tear,
With each breath,
With each sigh...

Silence has taken me,
With anger that lunges towards me,
With a stupid smile,
Believe in what you reap,

Because I was there,
To stand by you... and you were gone,
So today I smile,
Because today I am strong...

I have sought a new beginning,
Better than before,
Stronger than before,
Everlasting.... Beautiful ....

Letting go of the past...

It's funny how you have to just love someone enough to let them go. When is enough a enough.. I sit here and think about my past, present, and future. I wonder where I went wrong in so many things. There are so many what ifs that run through my mind. Being lied to and cheated on is big in my life. I think everyone I have ever dated or been in a relationship with has done that. Except for a select few and those men were probably more worth being with. I don't know. But here is my conclusion on this...

There are three kinds of affairs in my book:

1. There is the kind where something stupid happens without premeditation or thought. A bachelor party that goes too far. A drunken night in Vegas.

2 - There is the kind where it's all intimacy but no physical sex takes place. Affairs online are probably the most common type of affair. Friends, coworkers... "Since I didn't actually have sex, it's not cheating."

3 - And then there is the full on affair: planned meeting, purposeful rendezvous. Thoughts, romance, sharing, talking, intimacy and sex, all taking place over a period of time. Premeditated. Lying. Everything. "This isn't just a sexual affair. It is an affair of the spirit, mind, and heart."

Number 2 seems to be my problem... An affair is much more of "a mistake." It's purposeful deception. An affair someone has with a friend, or a coworker, or some situation where sex doesn't happen but there is an intimacy and sharing of emotions and thoughts, is a much deeper thing. The idea that your partner spent time with this person, thinking about them, planning to be with them, having conversations and secrets, laughing and crying... to me this is much more important than one drunk night where someone's pants fell off. This is why it is so hard to let go.

At one point that person needs to really look at their life and realize that the woman that is standing in front of them - the woman that is next to them day and night when they fall asleep and wake up is me .. and I love you ... and I am wonderful.. I am beautiful... we fit ... we fit like a puzzle.

Another point to be made about this, is that there is no way in hell they didn't know that they were breaking your heart. Whatever they say, whatever they claim, they knew it was wrong or they wouldn't have kept it secret. They would have included me in those long conversations or chats, you would have invited me to those meetings, if there really was nothing to hide.This is not only a betrayal of our commitment and promises, it is blatant disrespect to me as a person. They cheated with your head and your heart. To many people and myself included, this is much worse than cheating sexually. Then I ask myself about my children.. There is more than just two hearts in this. Do I really want to teach my children that infidelity is OK, or that lying to people that you love is OK? I'm not showing my kids what it is to forgive; I'm only showing my kids what it is to be a doormat. I do not want that.

Then I come to this conclusion of it all...The healthy thing to do is not spend time and energy and heartache on a relationship that isn't worth it. There are reasons as to why that person lied. Maybe they couldn't let go of this other person. Maybe I wasn't big enough or sexy enough. Maybe the sex hasn't been all that. Maybe kids, finances, illnesses, work pressures, and a million other things are involved. The problem isn't that "problems"!! The problem is thier CHOICE was to handle the problems by lying. A person that promises their life to you, then chooses to be a coward when the going gets tough, is not a person you can have a healthy relationship with. This person demonstrated in the biggest way possible that they do not love or respect you.They should have come to me. There should have been communication and trust. If after real effort you couldn't work it out, then you should have initiated last resort separation proceedings. If you were that unhappy, then you should have gotten out of the relationship. If you loved and respected me at all, that's what you would have done.

Sigh... I just want to find that one person (and maybe I already have) that will stick next to me and smile through the tough and the good times without being unfaithful in any way.

For now... my thoughts...