Confused..

I feel like I am trapped under water and I just cannot come up for air. I struggle everyday to keep a smile on my face and to keep my eyes dry. The thoughts the trickle into my everyday life stear me away from the positive that I want in my life. Where do I go from here. I have such pain that I keep tucked away and I cannot seem to let it out. It lingers there like an old wound that was never stitched right. What do I do about this love that I have that goes no where with you. What do I do when all is lost. I am so confused. I want normal; I am tired so tired. Not just emotionally but, physically. I feel like my world has no sunshine and it is just cold and bitter.I just want to really smile again without feeling that in the next five minutes I may say or do something wrong. I feel like I am walking on a mine field and I never know when you might blow up. My mistakes keep me here. I am doing this to myself.