Jaded

I had the worst night last night. What do you do when your loved ones are threatened with such ignorance. I have been a silent bird and have bent over backwards for things to be cool and settle. But, no I am in rage that someone I used to love so much and shared a life with has disregarded myself and my daughter as human beings. To make it worse my other daughter is half his. How can I make this work for all of us .. I just do not know. I feel threatened by the mere thought of not seeing my youngest daughter everyday. I am strong for if I fell now who would hold my daughters wings for her? I am so confused with decisions that need to be made. Sigh... I feel a hole in heart and I am literally scared of the future out come. I just want to blanket myself away from this world and cry a river of tears.

Blimmer

Another day starts and I have a headache from those many glasses of wine I drank last night. I wonder how long this will be; the way I feel inside that I cannot put into words. The laughter I once knew and held so high is gone. I smile, but if my lips could cry they would. I wish I could tell you all the things I want to tell you. How I hide behind that sinful glass of wine that is in my hand for the moment. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I shutter as I put my hands across my face and I sit here at my desk and think about all the things I would have done different in my life - yet I do not regret anything. How is that possible?

I am so angry with the cards I have been dealt. My hands are tied and I am strapped. I have those moments where I can forget and I am truely happy. But, then it all comes back and I soon remember what my life really is.

How do you tell the ones that you love so much that it's back and this time there is nothing you can do.All I can do is fight, live, love, laugh, and pray.... Smile for me; Because I am smiling behind my glass of wine.

My Broken Way

I have done it again. I have caused pain where I should have just took a breath and then relaxed my eyes and let the tears flow in the shower.
I did not. I spoke to soon and I let words flow through me like the wind on a windy day. I wrapped myself up in doubts and the negative smiles that I see in my head. I am loosing myself every day and I don’t know why. I have no idea where I am going. I keep closing my eyes; seeing the same long dark path filled with shattered glass. The trees bellowing over me. I start to run and there is this light that follows me and I just keep running. The glass passes by and cuts me as I run faster I start to fall. The path no longer exists and I am laying in my own filthy mess. Chaos is overcome me and I scream with such hatred and pain. I want to be loved … I want to feel like I have a purpose…. I want to feel like I belong somewhere.. anywhere. I want normal.