A New Leaf...

Today is a good day.. it is the middle of winter and it is cold out .. but I am smiling. I am happy. I thought that I would never feel this way again after everything that has happened with in the last year. I was wrong. The simple glance that you give me and the way you wrap your arms around me when I am not looking or expecting it. The way you simply call me babe.. or the way you caress my face when I am lying next to you. I feel amazing that you are in my life. It's almost like time is standing still for us and our heart beats are making the sound of impulsive music as we dance around each others hearts. Beautiful is how I feel today.. Strong... Wanted... Desired.. I thought this was all lost.. come to find out it was not lost at all.. just tucked away like a Kleenex in the side pocket of my purse.

Heartbreaking

Have you ever wondered why some people fall in love. I mean what does it really do for someone. It only brings heartache to your life. At first it's wonderful and then it all comes tumbling down. It's like climbing a mountain and then when you are finally to the top you roll down it right before accomplishing what you wanted to. My heart hurts today. It really hurts. Is that possible?
How can someone have such an effect on you and your emotions? I make mistakes, I never said I was perfect. But, to be compared to someone that you clearly are never going to be is.. just.. heartbreaking. I struggle everyday to meet that criteria.. I just cannot... I am so tied up in this that I cannot even function in daily life. It's like it is ripping my soul away from me and I just cannot grab the rope that is clearly dangling in front of me... I just have no more words..

I hate myself today..

Have you ever felt lost in your own life? Like you have no control over anything? I feel like I am walking down a street with cement walls closing in on me the closer I get to the way I want to be and then when I reach the end there is barely any room for me to squeeze through the walls. I feel trapped in all of my rapid thoughts. I sitting here with my face black and blue and all I want to do is go home and cry myself to sleep. But, there is no time for that because I have responsibilities. I feel like I am misunderstood in so many ways and that I no one understands me. Yet, I do not understand myself a lot of the times. I am so confused to where my life is heading at this point. My face is throbbing with pain and my teeth on the left side hurt so bad. A lover's quarrel has done this to me. My jaw is hurt and it pops every few minutes when I talk I can barely eat because I cannot open my mouth wide enough to take a bite. What am I going to do? I started this and I feel guilty and horrible that this has happened. How do I change this and how do I turn this around .... Thinking...

Starting of the Weekend...

Today isn't really better than yesterday.. but maybe the weekend will be better. I can only hope so. I have been doing a lot of thinking within the past couple days and I am so lost with my life right now I have no idea where I am headed. It seems like with each passing day that goes by that time stands still and runs out. There isn't enough time in the day for what I need to do and get done.

If only I could rewind life and fix the mistakes that I have made. But, then I would never learn anything..

Smiles... if only they could last forever and never turn upside down.. nothing to write today...too blue for words.

Have you ever loved someone...

Have you ever loved someone so much that you thought your heart would burst? That if they just abruptly left your life that you would die. I am in that situation right now. I am so in love with this man it hurts. We fight so much it is ridiculous and we both have not treated each other very well the past year. We both have really hurt each other with words and actions. He has cheated on me twice and it hurts so bad every time I think about it. I thought I forgave him..but have I really? I don't think I have. I know I have forgiven him for the first time.. but the second time with his best friend haunts me. I think a lot of the reason is because he still talks to her and because he still loves her so much. And he constantly reminds me how much better she is than me. I will never be her. I have two children, live on my own , and I do not have money like her. I wonder if this friendship of theirs will ever subside or will it continue to linger and haunt me as long as I am with him. How do you love someone enough to let them go - if you are unsure about what the future holds. I am so confused and in love that I am going to panic. I am sitting here at work and I am supposed to be working and all I think about is how much I love him and how he could dare to tell me that I am a waste of his love. That I am selfish, disrespectful, inconsiderate, stupid, and dumb. Words hurt so much worse then being hit physically. Words bury deep into your head and they never leave; forcing themselves into each thought of your day. After awhile you start to believe all those horrible things about yourself that that person that you love so much has said to you. Someone once told me - "Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself everything good and bad about yourself. That way if someone does say something hurtful to you - you can look at them and say tell me something I don't already know." I have tried that - for the most part it works.. but still doesn't make it better that they said that to you. All I want to do is go home and go to bed. Sleep the day away... what to do.....

Afternoon Randomness - Thoughts Scattered..

I sit here as the minutes tick away... at work.. I here every noise that goes on... I watch the clock as if time will never pass. I await.. then I will leave and head to being a mommy for a brief hour as I take my kids to there papa's and then off to my second job.. where I feel like a piece of meat up for auction. When does life get easier and better? I ask myself that everyday I wake up.. then I look at you as you lay next to me in the mornings where it isn't chaos to get ready for work.. and you make me happy and I smile.

There is nothing better than getting up in the morning to you and falling asleep in your arms. But I often ask myself if this feeling will a test to time and will it stick like glue to paper. I can only hope.

Stress can really create issues in your life and unnecessary fussing. I find myself feeding into the natural woman like habits of fussing too much. I sometimes- during the time that I fuss- wonder what I am even fussing about. Silly me!

Money is such an issue with so many people right now. I wonder if my bank account will ever overflow with the comfortableness of lots of money. It is so hard right now to keep up and in the back of my mind knowing that I owe some of the people I love dearly so much. I can only strive to be better and make something of myself.

I miss my children so much. Even though I see them often, I really don't get to spend that quality time with them. I know they miss me too. How do you fix that.. they are only young once. Life is so hard to slow down and look at what you really need to give attention and time too. But, for right now money is over powering my way of life. I owe so much and I am so behind.

I am going to take that time out this weekend and really embrace my kids and remind them that mommy does what she does because she needs to. So I can provide for my children and give them the best of what I have to offer and that they do not need to worry. My daughter tends to do that. She really is just like me. Who would have thought.

I have lost a dear friend of mine recently and it hurts every time I think about it. I really miss her and I hope that she is well. I really don't have words to describe how much I am devastated about this.

I have also learned that there are many people that will enter your life and take advantage of your thoughts and feelings. Over dosing themselves with your presence to where they just up and leave you with a blank stare and no words to utter. And then you ask yourself what the heck just happened? The only feeling they leave you with is hurt and pain. Stay away from those people. Look at all the warning signs. They are there- and the majority of the time when those kind of people come around you see it like a red flag- but you choose to look the other way like it's your favorite color and you cannot live without it. (and I am not talking about a lover- I am talking about family members and friends)

I miss you so much during the day.. we text a bit... but we are so busy.. I really hope you know how much I love you and how much you just really stay on my mind.

Who is she?

Like the yellow skies that align the horizon,

As the sun sets in the distance of my being,

I stand strong among the rocks of society,

With an opinion as vast as the clouds lay,

As the wind dies down from a vigorous day,

My hair starts to settle slowly,

My breath slows as I breathe deep,

I sigh for what I have accomplished,

The night sky blankets over me,

As my thoughts move along my lips,

Accepting all challenges that life has thrown my way,

The courage that rages in me like a lion,

As the glistening stars start to appear,

I sit on this mountain, defying the odds,

Using my fears to overcome obstacles that have been chosen for me,

Enduring all the hardships of life’s gifts,

I am a daughter,

I am a sister,

I am mother,

I am a WOMAN.

Copyright- Bryce W Power 2010

Your Sad Eyes

When I look at you I see such pain behind your eyes,

Deep scars that can never be removed,

Fierce with anger and regret,

When I’m next to you I can feel your heartbeat,

Passion short lived and pain lingers,

Steady beats with breaths of selfishness,

When I lay in your arms,

I feel secure yet, jaded by your twitches,

Silence blankets me from the breathing that stops moment to moment,

When your lips touch mine,

It’s ever so changing, disregard all the others,

Closing my eyes pretending this is real,

Cold with no emotion, I feel my body tremble,

A sanctuary of promises, of strength and life,

Yet your needs are ever binding, and mine are forgotten,

There is little sunshine in what you do,

Be careful for that candy will take over you,

As the weather changes so do you,

You disguise your feelings to numb your thoughts,

Letting your inner demon take over your soul,

You battle yourself yet you do not see it,

Forcing yourself to silence and stealing your rest,

You are weak, tired, alone…

C: Bryce W. Power 10-0901

Back on Track..

It's been about 8 months since I wrote last.. life has been crazy hectic for me. Seems like time just slips away so fast and you just cannot keep track. Not that anyone really reads this blog. But, it is fun to think someone may be interested. None the less at least it gives me the chance to vent on to no one. :)

I finally have started a new job. I am very content with it. I still work for the club, Tengo Sed Cantina. But, having a day job helps me feel like I have a place in this world and that I make a difference. Also, it makes for paying the bills a lot easier.

I have been feeling a little under the weather emotionally lately. It seems like I can't get anything right in my love life these days. I struggle with letting people in and opening up a lot of the times. I always seem to fall for the guys that are going to hurt me. Whether they mean to or not isn't the issue. I'm a pretty sure it has a lot to do with me pushing them away.

I think I run as far as I can away from the people that actually care about me - just so I won't ever hurt like I did before. But, sometimes you have to take that leap and get hurt to heal and to move on.

Hmm... Pondering...