Sins

Breathing lightly and stepping slowly, I pick up the shattered pieces of my mistakes of the past.

As I step out of the shower, I take a long look in the mirror.. steam rolling off my body hot and wet.

All I can see is this woman I thought I knew.

Imperfect to you and perfect to others. Tears wallow up but never drop. Fearful future disconcerts my heart, blocking memories.

Faded shadows of you dance along the crevices of my body as I yield it with the fine touch of myself.

Hands reaching for the light, dark forbidden faces consume my eyes and radiate a secret life.

Lies and dirty desires pass over my soul and into my heart.

Worlds between the unjustified woes of the completion of my sins.

Delightful pleasures and yearning wants.

A hardened heart and soulless creature, steal my pain for just one second.

Minutes pass and the rapid beat of my heart takes me away to a deserted place where life glows and sets you free.

Beautiful self, beautiful you..

Gripping the wall, Released..

Turning on the light, looking at the same blank stare..

Euphoria

Dirty Thoughts 

Sexy Pictures

Bodies Moving

Hearts Racing

First Touch

First Embrace

Sweating

Tangled

Hands Sliding

Feet Gripping

Scratching

Lights Flicker

Sheets Wet

Words Echoing

Windows Fogged

Lips Touching

Tongues Dancing

Fingers Hidden

Sex Changing

Deep Movements

Shivering

Gentle Biting

Goosebumps

Light Caresses

Bound

Held Down

Strength

Eyes Locking

Faces Changing

Orgasmic

Hours Pass

Deep Sighs

Relief

Cuddling

Tempering Switch

I laid there covered by my security,

Breathing slow and silent,

Shadows along the walls,

Street lights peering through the blinds,

I can hear your heart beat, yet you are not here.

I can feel your thoughts along my body and lips,

My mouth opens to let words spill,

Yet, nothing comes out,

Only a tear down the side of my face,

Drifting into sleep… Illusions of once was… Life… Indefinitely Changing.

Insomnia

The woes of my discretion. The beats of my heart. My shadows along the street. The sun beaming on my back. Everlasting touch. Tongues moving in the same direction. Worlds in between us.

Differences of actions and desires. Illusions of what was and is. Dissolution skips a beat. I found you. Revealing sins and secrets. Faith held us together. Now all is broken and dismay.

What I would have given. What I did give. Embrace me. Fallen and broken. Compelled to breathe and run. Standing here, silent overcomes my being. Used and bitter.

Solid thoughts. Words undone. Screams fill my room. Tears fall. Smiles fade. Climax.

Sleepless Hope

Today is going to be a regular blog.. I have so much on my mind. I have no idea how to put it in words at all. I have so many questions and worries. I have a headache today, much as I do everyday for the last week.

What is wrong with me? I feel like less of woman today, like I am not good enough for you or anyone for that matter. Funny, how life works. One day you think everything is perfect, to find out it was just a mere illusion. I feel like a shadow along the walls of our past relationship.

I have made so many mistakes in the past year, ones that tear me up inside on a daily basis. There are days that I just want to blow my head off, or just fall into an eternal sleep. You tell me I don't know you and that I don't understand you. Have you ever thought that I you really don't know me... the deep me.. the way I process life, my thoughts.. Maybe it is because I am sick. So many things are going to change in the next year. I am scared. So scared.

I dream of this perfect place that will wipe all of my mistakes away. Redeem me as a good human being to the people that I love so much. But, there is no such place.

I pray everyday that my kids will always love me and know that I try my best to be the best mom I can be. I hope that I can see them grow into young adults and live a full life. I hope that they don't make the same mistakes I have made and that they are always happy. That they do not endure heartache from anyone like I have. That they live for the present and not the past. That they don't make new loves pay for old past loves. So many things I worry about. To think that I may not always be around to help them, to guide them, to give them that.

I feel alone most of the time. I feel so sad. Today... I cry.. tears just fall all over my keyboard, my desk, my life.  I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk to you, to tell you how I feel, to express what you mean to me. I try and I try to show you. But my enough, is just not good enough. You say I am leaving.. that I am going to take that "dive" away. Why would I do that?

I am a runner... I always run.. BUT.. I am standing here infront of you. Where are you? Where have you been? My words jumble so much when I try to open my mouth, that I confuse myself, and I don't make sense. I am so lost in your embrace, your heart...

I am giving my all, all that I have. I don't know what else to do. I have made so many changes not for you, but for me, for us. I am a real woman, I am honest, I am beautiful, I am amazing, right? I ask myself that in the mirror every morning.

I wish you were here, my best friend, you left me too soon. You left me, and now my best friend is leaving too. What am I gonna do without her? Who am I gonna talk to? Life is taking me.. slowly.. it's like karma is making me suffer. Too watch everyone be happy around me, then when I am happy, and when I get what I want, it slowly yanks it away from me.

I am standing here.. I am not moving.. running.. leaving..

Thoughts Undone

Regrets take over me,

Sitting here alone, waiting,

Words that were meant for silence,

Poured all over the table,

The wine still has ripples from you left,

My glass half full of sorrows and happiness,

Cold air creeps up my back,

Whispers of your voice from the other room,

The walls shake as my vision blurs,

Hands gripped to table,

Bleeding for some attention,

Self-medicated,

Tears start to dry,

My heart slows,

My glass is empty,

Eyes are heavy,

Sleep..

Illusion

Blurred eyes, Blinking,

Heavy arms, Sinking,

Moving Legs, Kicking,

Open Mouth, Swallowing,

Burdened and Floating,

Underwater….