Sleepless Hope

Today is going to be a regular blog.. I have so much on my mind. I have no idea how to put it in words at all. I have so many questions and worries. I have a headache today, much as I do everyday for the last week.

What is wrong with me? I feel like less of woman today, like I am not good enough for you or anyone for that matter. Funny, how life works. One day you think everything is perfect, to find out it was just a mere illusion. I feel like a shadow along the walls of our past relationship.

I have made so many mistakes in the past year, ones that tear me up inside on a daily basis. There are days that I just want to blow my head off, or just fall into an eternal sleep. You tell me I don't know you and that I don't understand you. Have you ever thought that I you really don't know me... the deep me.. the way I process life, my thoughts.. Maybe it is because I am sick. So many things are going to change in the next year. I am scared. So scared.

I dream of this perfect place that will wipe all of my mistakes away. Redeem me as a good human being to the people that I love so much. But, there is no such place.

I pray everyday that my kids will always love me and know that I try my best to be the best mom I can be. I hope that I can see them grow into young adults and live a full life. I hope that they don't make the same mistakes I have made and that they are always happy. That they do not endure heartache from anyone like I have. That they live for the present and not the past. That they don't make new loves pay for old past loves. So many things I worry about. To think that I may not always be around to help them, to guide them, to give them that.

I feel alone most of the time. I feel so sad. Today... I cry.. tears just fall all over my keyboard, my desk, my life.  I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk to you, to tell you how I feel, to express what you mean to me. I try and I try to show you. But my enough, is just not good enough. You say I am leaving.. that I am going to take that "dive" away. Why would I do that?

I am a runner... I always run.. BUT.. I am standing here infront of you. Where are you? Where have you been? My words jumble so much when I try to open my mouth, that I confuse myself, and I don't make sense. I am so lost in your embrace, your heart...

I am giving my all, all that I have. I don't know what else to do. I have made so many changes not for you, but for me, for us. I am a real woman, I am honest, I am beautiful, I am amazing, right? I ask myself that in the mirror every morning.

I wish you were here, my best friend, you left me too soon. You left me, and now my best friend is leaving too. What am I gonna do without her? Who am I gonna talk to? Life is taking me.. slowly.. it's like karma is making me suffer. Too watch everyone be happy around me, then when I am happy, and when I get what I want, it slowly yanks it away from me.

I am standing here.. I am not moving.. running.. leaving..